Random Thoughts

I had written this post ages ago and had posted it on my previous blog. Since, I am not very regular with updating my blog and posting new posts therefore, I forgot my previous blog login i.d. and password. Yes i actually did, I am that bad with my blog. I have lots that goes on inside my head but i never seem to write it down. If I did there would probably be two-three posts everyday or maybe more.

Well, here is an old post titled Random Thoughts:

The sky is gray,
The day is glum,
The wind is chilly…
Sitting by the window of the cab, I sit and write this.
I have not put pen to paper for a long, long time. Today I just felt like it so pulled out my small little handmade paper notebook and began writing.

What am I thinking of? Nothing!
Do I have anything on my mind to write about? No!
I do not have any new verse in my head.

Ooooh!!! It is drizzling!!! It is a beautiful morning. Listening to "Take Off " on AIR FM RAINBOW. Just a perfect combo, the only thing missing is a cup of hot steaming coffee. Oh Wow! Well the rooftop of my cab right above my head is leaking. Pitter patter fall the drops right on my head.

Isn't this so much like life, there are open wounds, both big and small cracks, you let one thing slip and your world comes tumbling down like a pack of cards. One day you wake up to a brand new day and yet another morning is nothing but a drag from yesterday. One day we are happy to discover something new ourselves, others or something generic.

Hey! My favourite song's playing on the radio. "What's going on"
It is just so apt for me, "25 years and my life and still, I’m trying to get up that great big hill of hope…"
"Lying in bed, just to get it all out, What's in my head..."
"I say hey-ey-ey yeah, hey-ey-ey yeah, yeah, yeah, and I say hey What's going on…"

Well the songs over and am back to my random thoughts. Aren't the chains of thoughts like jigsaw puzzles that are inter-related in some way but never fit perfectly well together to solve the puzzle. I guess that is a bad analogy, but, what the heck!! That's mine and I am proud of it.

Well I am going back to the bit where I wrote that, no I don't have any verses in my head. I have a confession to make that my best ever verses or thoughts have been born in my head and died there as well. Just like babies get nourishment in the womb, but some never see the daylight as this very source of their birth turns to be their grave. I know that the imagery is dark and somber. I just can not put pen to paper when I have some of the best rhymes, because when I do try they just vanish into thin air.

Oh! Another of my favourite song is being played on the radio, "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia. I just love this track. Well I have filled in quite a bit, whereas I thought
I have nothing to write about. That is what I believe what people mean when they talk about POTENTIAL. We never know, What we are Capable of.

Whatever, I have written is not in order, nor in neatly built up paragraphs, nor does it transition smoothly from one idea to another. That is just me. I cannot keep within the bounds of writing in a well thought, preconceived manner. I write and similarly live my life in a random fashion. What I do does or does not make sense to others. But, it is perfectly alright for me. Why should I justify my life to others? I do not like slotting others in categories and I hate it when others try and judge me.

I don't think there is a right or wrong. What is right according to me may be wrong according to you and vice versa. Do you think I hate the world? If you did then you are absolutely wrong. I love the world, every bit of it, I live here, I have learnt through good and bad but all through my experiences. I have learnt that nothing really belongs to me. Isn't everything made to be broken…

No Clue

Life a four lettered word seems simple yet so complicated...

It gets difficult with every new day to be able to decide what is right or wrong for you (here of course me.)

One needs to think and ponder and thrash things out wont this be a better option than the other one and why would one option be better when compared to others. I have no clue...Do you??

Broken Wings

This poem was written by me on September 9th 2006.

I've learnt to fly with broken wings
The sky is mine, it defines my space
I soar and rise
I flap and fly
I've learnt to hide the pain within....

My heart is bleeding
My soul is wounded
My wings are broken
I carry the pain within.....
I've learnt to fly with broken wings

I want to scream, I want to howl
But, Ive learnt to keep silence prevailing
I'm carrying shattered dreams broken hope,
unfulfilled desires
I'm steeped in misery, quiet sorrow
I'v learnt to live with all of these....
They have become a part of me.

I'v won it all. I'v lost it all.
I'v cried in pain, I'v battlled the tears.
I'v been happy, but sadness prevails
I'v lost a battle against myself
So, I'v learnt to fly with broken wings.

Me Today

Let it rain....
Oh let it rain.....
It's been ages and i have'nt gained a thing
I feel hollow and constrained
so let it rain
let the rain wash away the pain

Let it rain to clean the mess
There is no ray of hope around
let me gain a new horizon
a rainbow to paint the sky
to bring deliverance from the grief
to bring joy.....

Iv gained experience...
but at the cost of being hurt...
I have learned to trust....
but have'nt learned not to distrust....
I want to be loved...
and am scared of rejection........
I need the confidence that i am not alone
I need to know that i have friends
These feelings are so great
they surround me everywhere
I am insecure.....

So let it rain....
so that i breathe the fresh new air of relief
my woes begone
I sit in peace with myself....

The Unknown

The fangs are deep within my skin. No! they have reached my bones.
I am as numb as i could be and i dont feel the pain anymore.
The reasons to live are far fetched and the reasons to go on like fairy tales.
I build up these castles in the air everyday, just to keep my soul alive.
Dreams are all that i have and they are temporary, never stay on
They abandon my thoughts and leave me alone with no one but despair.

I know that despair is my only friend, the pain is unbearable but i am so so numb.
I cant yell, i cant cry; the reasons i dont know why
I am looking for answers but dont know the questions
I live my life to be no one, i am around and yet not there.
I love to laugh but pay the price,
I see time slip by and i sit still coz iv lost my sanity
Im insane and yet so sane
I am a sinner and yet so pure
I hate my existence and i still keep living
I am a loser but i never give up
I need to break free and i stay put where i am
I am alone, and it shall be that ways.
I am waiting endlessly, but for what i have no clue.
I guess i'll keep waiting for the unknown till eternity.......

Thank You Gals!

I made an effort to start blogging but failed miserably. I was extremely bad at updating my blog. Do not remember my password and nor the silly question that I had marked to help me recover my password. Well I did not bother much about it anyhow until one day.
It was only a few days ago that I read a mail sent to me by Akash and it mentioned Richa putting up a post and picture of Aki (Akash) with his sweetheart Mich (Michelle.) The good news was that Aki and Mich are to tie the knot in October a reason for all of us to celebrate.

I went onto read Richa’s post on Aki (Akash) n Mich (Michelle) and this simple gesture of hers moved me deeply. I went on reading a few other posts by Richa. The one post that she had written for her dad on his birthday was another post that touched a chord somewhere in my heart. This was the time when I remembered Sayan (Sayantani) who always coaxed me to start blogging. So I started blogging but never with the faith that I can get to break the habit of being procrastinated and write religiously. So, here is another full hearted attempt to start afresh and start blogging. I would thank both Sayan and Richa. Sayan because I am so in love with the way she writes and have been very open about being a fan of hers. Sayan, because it was she in the first place who inspired me to start blogging and write. Richa, because your posts have given me the much needed impetus and boost to start blogging again. I dedicate this first post of mine to both awesome girls I know. So girls wish me luck and this post here is to let you know how in your own ways you have touched my life.